He says ‘I don’t get it, why are you still a virgin at 24?’
He says ‘I don’t believe you, I’ve seen you walk, virgins don’t walk like that’
He says, ‘That ain’t natural, people are supposed to fuck.’
He asks ‘Why though? No offence though.’
I ask ‘When was your first time?’
He says ‘I was 12’
He says ‘I know what you’re thinking, that’s too young.’
I look at his knuckles, he has two good hands.
He says ‘She was older than me.’
I ask ‘How old?’
And he says ‘It’s better that the girl is older, that’s how I learnt all things I know’
He licks his lips.
I ask again ‘How old?’
He says ‘I could use one finger to make you sob’
I think of my brother in prison and I can’t remember his face.
I ask again ‘How old?’
He says ‘Boys become men in the laps of women, you know?’
I think of my mothers faced lined with her bad choices in men.
He says ‘If you were mine you wouldn’t get away with this shit, I’d eat you for hours, I’d gut you like fruit.’
I think of my cousins circumcision, how she feels like a mermaid, not human from the waist down.
He says ‘I’d look after you, you know?’
I laugh, I ask for the last time ‘How old?’
He says ‘34.’
He says ‘She was beautiful though and I know what you’re thinking but it’s not like that, I’m a man, I’m a man, I’m a man. No one could ever hurt me’.
Brown parents like to paint this picture for you. You can’t do this until you’re married. You can’t do that until you’re married. They create this illusion of hope, like marriage is a way out, but it isn’t. You’ll always have someone to answer to.
I love you so much I’m sorry I get over sensitive it’s just that I care so much and can’t stop thinking about you.
half of me wants to call you because your voice is so fucking perfect but the other half questions if you’d even answer the phone.
I bite my tongue because you have shown me in the past that my words do not matter.
why do I allow you to have such control over me? will I ever learn? I’m starting to think I won’t.
It was almost how it used to be tonight, until I looked into your eyes and didn’t recognize them.
who knew there was a form of love that could cause me to wonder if anything is even real anymore.
I’know I’m taken for granted but one day you will wake up and I will be done with this bullshit. I promise.
Your eyes are so blue they mimic the Ocean. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m drowning.
This is fucking pathetic.
I don’t remember what my name sounds like coming from your lips.
I think the worst kind of scarring is the invisible kind.
I love you too much.
This is a disaster, I am a mess. I’m so tired and I’m going to collapse, I’ve put all my energy into this for nothing.
I’m so sorry.